Love

Why does love suck? Actually let me rephrase that, "Why does love suck FOR ME?" what did I do to deserve this? Why did I always end up with the wrong guys? Is it me? Do I like chosing the wrong guys or what? I believe that I have always been good to them. I never did anything wrong to them...it was them that did me wrong and I really don't know why. What else did they want from me? They knew I loved them, they knew I cared a whole lot about them, they saw how I took care of them and I was always faithful to them. What was it lacking cause I was always there for them a 100%! These guys that I have been with has caused me to hurt so bad that it's a little hard for me to just trust any guys. These guys have caused me to be so cautious and so observant now. So really it's not my fault that I have become this way. I mean why would I want to get hurt again right? I honestly feel so F'n lonely and I am just not used to it really. I have been married to my ex-husband for almost 8yrs so I was used to that and now being single again is kind of hard for me and no it's not about the YOU KNOW WHAT part. I just miss having a partner, a best friend, just someone to be there for me, I miss the affection, I miss being loved and loving someone back and I miss being cared for and caring for someone back, I miss someone taking care of me and I def miss taking care of someone back. For some reason I just love taking care of my man. I just stopped doing it with my ex-husband when he started to do me wrong. So he probably thinks I am the worst wife out there, but he got what he deserves for doing me wrong in the past, but he apologized so I guess now we're sort of good friends. Anyway, I'm just a sucker for love. I am having the hardest time right now cause for some reason I have such deep feelings for a guy who doesn't feel the same way about me and I know that I am so stupid for even feeling this way for someone who is not on the same page as me actually he wants nothing from me. I know I should move on and a lot of people tell me that I should and they say talk to other guys and you will be able to forget about him and move on, but I can't! It's so hard!!!! I hate this!!! I want to move on cause of course I don't want to hold on to someone who doesn't feel the same way that I feel about him, but I don't know how. All I could think about it is how we spent time with each other and how much I had fun with him and I felt so happy when I was with him, but I don't even know if he even felt the same way I felt. I just remenisce about that and that's what makes it harder for me to move on. I care about him a whole lot and I hate seeing him suffer the way he is suffering now. I tried to be there for him and help him out in some ways that I can, but I'm not even sure if he actually cares or appreciates that I did those things for him, but then I don't even know if I should be even thinking that way about him cause I know that living his life without his kids is tough! I kind of know how he feels since I don't have my boys with me either. I know he feels guilty of being happy without his kids and I do understand that. Maybe that is why I should just leave him alone and let him be. That's probably the best thing to do. Is it? I don't know...I'm just so confused and lost and not knowing what to do. All I know is that I just want to be happy. I just want to live a happy life with someone and with my kids. It's all I want!

Work

Started training at work today for 4 hrs. It was pretty boring just sitting there doing training through the computer. I have to go back again for another 4 hrs tomorrow, but it's all good though because it's paid anyway. I got to meet some co-workers and they were just very friendly. I think I might enjoy working there, BUT I am still nervous and shy about dealing with customers when I actually start training how to be a cashier. Oh well, I gotta do what I gotta do. No worries right?

New Job

Today was pretty unexpected. My kids had just returned back to school from their short spring break. So I had dropped them off and went back home to get myself ready to go jogging/walking outside. While I was getting ready Home Depot calls me and asked me if I can come in for orientation @ 9am. It was a little past 8am when they called and they were about 2 cities away from where I live. It was a very short notice, but I told them that I will be there. I was going about 90 MPH trying to rush over there. I believe I left @ 8:30AM and got their around 8:40am and it usually takes about 20 mins to get there at a normal speed, but that's nothing. I was trying to rush over there because I needed some time to take of my nose and monroe piercing which wasn't a success. I was able to remove my nose piercing, but not my monroe. I couldn't unscrew it because two Friday's ago was my interview and I had taken of my piercings. I was able to put in my nose ring, but not my monroe. So I had to go to a tattoo/piercing shop and they actually needed to re-pierce it (OUCH!)...paid $10! Anyway, the guy that re-pierced it had screwed it on so thight that I could not unscrew it today. So when I got there I apologized and told them that I couldn't unscrew it and they said it was okay for now. Sucks though because they just started to going by dress codes again now that I had just started that's when we're not allowed to wear piercings on our faces. So I need to look for clear studs for both my nose and monroe. Today was such a boring day. Orientation was so boring to be honest. It was the longest orientation that I have ever been to. It lasted for 6 hours and guess what was the best thing that we've learned at that store? The supervisor told us that Home Depot is haunted. Could you believe that? It is haunted by a girl that was murdered there about 9 yrs ago when Home Depot was still in construction. I believe the boyfriend strangled her to death which is very sad, but yes, the supervisor admitted to us that the girls spirit haunts Home Depot. Now even though she is harmless, I am still afraid to use the restroom by myself. =( Well, I should look on the bright side...I finally got a job! It's been 4 yrs since I've last worked and being a single mother of 4 this job would help out a lot! So I am grateful! Things are looking up and I hope it continues to stay that way. =)